Parsimonious Paper

What is it with economizing on toilet paper, and/or dispensers in public restrooms to the point of ridiculous?

Have you ever gone into such a place and found to your chagrin, the floor littered with torn squares of white paper?  Your first thought is,                                                         
“Man, they need to keep this place clean!”  Or,                                                                 
“The low down litter louts who were in here before me need a good foot up their backside!”  

You proceed to wade through the sea of fluffy debris in order to do what nature intended, and when it comes to the time to use the sanitary absorbent paper, you find that either it is so thin that you wish you had worn surgical gloves; or that you have to pull and pull and pull wads of the stuff out to even closely resemble a two ply variety!

Or, something even worse, in  my opinion is those dispensers that are designed to release only one square at a time!  And it is wound up so tightly that when you try to pull on it to release some more, it simply bites down leaving you with a tattered piece of paper barely big enough for a mouse arse!  The remnants flutter down to the floor, explaining the mess you initially discovered! 

You hover there for a while hoping to air dry, coz the paper thing just ain’t panning out, but your date is waiting out there at the table and probably thinks you are having a “problem”?  Yeah, you’re having a problem alright.  So, you apply your minuscule knowledge of microsurgery learned form a CSI episode as you painstakingly piece together enough papery fragments to resemble a miniature wad of a square, all the while performing your best balancing act so that your body does not come into contact with the porcelain,  and try to use it.  Of course, the whole thing separates on contact, and you are left with large specks of white paper all over your nether regions!  How is it cute when those silly bears on that TV commercial have TP stuck on their butts, but when it happens to you it is downright hideous and frustrating? You give up plucking pieces from your body and proceed to dress and wash up.  The paper towel dispenser is obviously closely related to the toilet paper dispenser, and initially denies you a piece, and when it does cough some up, it jams, leaving just a small corner for you to dry up with.  You wipe your hands on the back of your pants, flick back your hair, and breeze through the door, and back to your patiently waiting date, as though everything in there went just fine.  You approach the table, and he jumps up to pull your chair out for you. You turn with a coy smile, as you look over your shoulder to catch him staring down and smirking.  You follow his gaze and realize you have a big wet hand print on each butt cheek, and a trail of thin gauzy white paper stuck to the sole of both of your shoes!

Nice!  Note to self: Pack in purse one pair of surgical gloves, one pair of plastic shoe booties, one roll of TP, one hand towel….

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